Hall of Presidents: Toxic for Toddlers?

The wicked truth is that Disney does have (a few) attractions loathsome to the little ones. These attractions often try to slip in some learnin', an admirable goal but one not as likely to pull in the pint-sized crowd as, for instance, Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin.

What self-respecting youngster wants to be caught sweating out the wait time at Hall of Presidents when other kids are moving briskly through the queue at Space Mountain?

MagicalKingdoms lists ten attractions with dubious appeal to droolers. The Hall of Presidents is one of them, but surprisingly, the author skips over such kiddie tarpits as Impressions de France or Reflections of China in Epcot and includes instead thrill rides which young children wouldn't be able to board anyway because of the height requirement. And I'd have to quibble with the inclusion of Haunted Mansion but the exclusion of Expedition Everest.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I meet the height requirement for all the rides on the list but would still choose not to board three of them. Those three rides, in fact, are about the only ones I avoid.

It empowers me to know that in the company of pre-schoolers I would not be ridiculed.

MORE: Magical Kingdoms

Much More Ado About Nothing: Disney Name Non-Changes

A few days ago, Shane Lindsay of Parkeology published the first part of his top 10 list of things at Disney World that changed their names but not their natures.

Shane - without even a lousy tympani - now presents his final five.

As usual, he informs: did you know that the riverboats in Disney World's Liberty Square were first named after Disney executives Joe Fowler and Richard Irvine? Joe got scrapped in the 1980s, Richard rehabbed in the 1990s - rehabbed so much that the boat emerged as the Liberty Belle.

Shane's point is that, sure, they changed the name, but not the boat itself.

I can understand naming a riverboat after Joe Fowler, a former U.S. Navy Admiral, but not Richard Irvine, an art director who quite possibly didn't know how to swim.

If you like this sort of snarky insider stuff, Parkeology has plenty of it.

Parkelogy has gotten hullabaloo here before, most recently in the August 23 edition for Dixie Landings, Bad; Ol' Man Island, Good! - Disney and PC.

MORE: Parkeology (Shane Lindsay)

Attack of the Marvel Movies Starring Heroes You've Never Heard Of

Disney's ingestion of Marvel last year means we're going to see gradual integration of kick-ass Marvel characters with kissable Disney characters in the parks - but likely never on the big screen, where Disney hopes to milk the ridiculously lucrative Marvel film franchise through numerous new projects and reboots of older ones, such as the Fantastic Four (whose recent movies failed to capture the magic of that team).

Unless you're a comic book junkie, you've probably never heard of Iron Fist, a minor Marvel character whose super-power is a mystically charged punch. He also does kung fu in his slippers.

Disney wants to have its way with many minor Marvel characters like Iron Fist, building them from near obscurity into sudden stardom which they can exploit through merchandise, games, and possibly latex toys (see below: "Mickey, What Marvelous Latex Ears You Have").

Marvel Studios announced yesterday that Rich Wilkes, best-known as the screenwriter of Vin Diesel's xXx, will draft a script for the upcoming Iron Fist movie. Wilkes is the latest in a line of directors and writers associated with the Iron Fist project since its inception way back in 2000.

I'm skeptical of Disney's ability to leverage minor Marvel characters into revenue-generating machines. Iron Fist has been around for decades and Marvel has never been able to do much with him - in part because he has an anemic rogue's gallery, and a hero is only as good as his best villain. Iron Fist often fights low-profile villains like Sabertooth (who probably won't be used in the movie because he's part of the Wolverine universe), Master Khan, and the extra-dimensional H'ylthri.

Please start lining up now to call me wrong when Disney starts minting money with a gigantic, fiery, fabric fist that children can pull over their hand and use to beat the bejeezus out of things...

MORE: Deadline New York (Mike Fleming)

Greenhorn Luxury: Big Thunder Suite at the Disneyland Hotel

Heather Hust Rivera, one of the many Disney employees who contribute short articles to DisneyParksBlog, announced yesterday a new 'signature suite' at the Disneyland Hotel called Big Thunder. Of course, she has pictures, too.

The suite accommodates up to six 'pioneers' in 1400 square feet of down-home rustic splendor. I'm not a fan of rustic, but the suite looks fantastic: the decor is completely immersive, and according to Heather, Disney used wood from an actual Midwest barn for the floor and paneling.

Kids will love a special button that triggers sound effects from Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Since kids are sure to really love this button, parents may wish to not reveal its existence until shortly before they check out of the room.

In the picture to your left, you'll see a shot-in-miniature of the Suite's bathroom which has buckets for sinks and what looks like a big ol' copper washin' up tub. (Who wants to scrub my back?)

You'll need not big buckets but big bucks to stay in Big Thunder. How much? Heather doesn't say. She provides a phone number, instead (it connects either with Disney or with a loanshark).

Heather promises to premiere several other signature suites in coming weeks, including the one I most want to occupy: Pirates of the Caribbean. Wonder what the tub looks like?

Heather Hust Rivera has gotten hullabaloo here before, most recently in the August 15 edition for Rapunzel Concept Art, Plus: Tangled Passes the Popcorn Test.

MORE: Disney Parks Blog (Heather Hust Rivera)

"There's Nothing 'bout That Burger You Can't Get Back Home"

I'd love to give proper credit for that quote to the charming gentleman who uttered it loudly to his hungry child after being asked, apparently, to spend good folding cash on a Disney burger. And I would give credit except that he scared me too much for me to ask his name.

But I will give credit to Matt Hochberg (who doesn't scare me, much), owner of Studios Central, a fantastic site devoted to Hollywood Studios, for analyzing some of the issues he believes tarnish the Disney image, including the difficulty of finding a really good burger in any of the parks.

Maybe that guy was right after all?

Disney burgers used to have 'character': their taste and even texture varied depending upon where you ordered them. Now, as Matt writes, Disney burgers lack unique characteristics because they're prepared from the same bulk-bought raw material. It makes good business sense; it doesn't do much for the Disney brand.

And speaking of the Disney brand, Matt makes the further excellent point that this brand has taken a hit in recent years through outsourcing: you'd be surprised how much at Disney isn't by Disney. Even Via Napoli, the company's newest restaurant, isn't a company restaurant. It's owned and operated by the Patina Restaurant Group (they also own the nearby Tutto Itali). Patina pays Disney a 'usage fee' to operate their businesses on Disney property.

Outsourcing is often unavoidable. Take coffee, for instance. Disney hasn't bio-engineered coffee beans in the shape of Mickey's ears and hired people in Central America to grow them. (Don't wait for that to happen, either.) The best coffee at Disney is now brewed with beans supplied by local micro-roaster Joffrey's - a huge step-up from the days of Nestle coffee. Outsourcing does work when done well.

For deeper analysis of Disney outsourcing, high prices, and homogenization of both merchandise and menus, make sure to read Matt's article. Highly recommended!

MORE: Studios Central (Matt Hochberg)

Mickey, What Marvelous Latex Ears You Have

I'm sure there's a subset of Disney Dispatch readers who enjoy the bizarre, the truly bizarre. Well, you folks can pull back your drapes today because I have something you're going to love.

Back in 1963, as reported by Jeff Pepper of 2719Hyperion, Disney offered by mail several latex toys, ranging in height from 1-3 feet tall, made from "quality latex", fully inflatable, and when inflated able to swing and sway, bend and tilt, stand and wiggle, "good clean fun for any youngster".

Any youngster who orders a 3 foot tall latex Cinderella is not looking for "good, clean fun". And any youngster who orders an equally tall, equally latex Davy Crockett is looking for something that I'm sure violates federal law.

The ordering coupon reads: "Your Walt Disney inflatable characters are just what I want for my youngsters". (Anyone else remember when mail order companies wrote their coupons in the form of a letter from the customer?) I hadn't yet been born in 1963, and so it's hard to imagine a time when such toys - and such descriptions of such toys - would not have drawn a single smile or a single syllable of snark.

I looked on eBay and found no Disney latex toys from 1963. (Not that I wanted to buy them, you know!) If anyone had bought them back then and resisted the urge to inflate, I bet they'd be worth now at least enough to pay for a Disney vacation - provided, of course, a buyer could be found (not me, probably).

MORE: 2719 Hyperion (Jeff Pepper)

The Crappiest Credit Card on Earth?

And now for something completely different: the Disney credit card.

Let's take a break from theme parks and ride wimps and piranha in the koi pond. The NerdWallet folks recently evaluated the 'perks' of Chase's Disney Visa credit card. It's a popular card, especially amongst Disney folks, but take away the Mouse and what have you got? The 'Crappiest Card on Earth', according to NerdWallet.

The introductory 0% APR lasts only for six months, the rewards rates is a mere 1%, and the 10% discount on Disney merchandise is compelling only if you buy a lot of Disney merchandise. Despite these deficiencies, lots of people are living happily ever after with the Disney credit card. Don't take NerdWallet's verdict as binding: card perks often change quickly and you might be satisfied with what they offer now.

I nearly signed up for the Disney card earlier this year but came to many of the same conclusions as the NerdWallet guy. (I got an Amazon card, instead.) Don't take my verdict as binding, either.

Now let's get back to the theme parks and the ride wimps and the ... you know.

MORE: NerdWallet