Disney Dreadful: The Turned-Around Tot

Bob battles the Turned-Around Tot - and his Gabby Grammy!

- by Bob McLain, January 17, 2011

My kids are marvelous, precious, unique specimens, simply the cutest little things, and surely the entire world must see it, too. Bet you think the same about yours.

From a distance, every child is adorable.

But up-close, in-your-face, during a meal - no thanks.

Introducing...

The Turned-Around Tot

The turned-around tot is the kid who kneels on his seat - it's usually a booth - and faces backwards, toward you. He often needs a nose wipe. If he's eating, he's doing so with his mouth open. And he never stops staring. It's a perplexed stare, at first, but soon the kid gains courage and that's when your dreadful Disney moment begins.

One day, in the Sci-Fi Dine-In Theater, I was more-or-less comfortably ensconced in the back-seat of a 'car' that I shared with two parents in the front seat and a child with his grandmother in the middle seat.

I knew, right away, that I had a turned-around tot on my hands. Shortly after I sat down, the tot turned. Granted, I'm fascinating, but this kid couldn't get enough. Even the movie trailers seemed to hold no interest for him. It was almost as if, impossible as it sounds, that I was more scary, more frightful, than the Robot Monster or the Atom Age Vampire.

I was taking notes for my book as I ate a burger and fries, and before you knew it, the tot went grabby and in the dim light I spied his fingers reaching for a fry. Swiftly, I moved the plate away, eliciting an odd, anguished grunt from the tot which, finally, got the attention of his oblivious grandmother.

Salvation! Not. Just as the plot of a typical 1950s science-fiction film gets worse before the square-jawed hero arrives to save the day, my meal was about to get worse, too.

The tot's grandmother was another Disney Dreadful: the Gabby Grammy.

The Gabby Grammy

Grandma, of course, thought nothing about the Tot invading my airspace. She tapped him once and told him to turn around, but of course that had no effect, and the parents in the front seat were eating their meal in stony, straight-ahead silence.

Grammy, however, began to gab.

Now, I'm not a nasty guy. I like folks - well, most of them. But until I become famous as a champeen cliff-diver, I'd rather not have my meals interrupted by strangers, especially when I'm trying to write at the same time as I'm trying to eat. Doing both those things at once is about all my brain can handle. Add a Gabby Grandma to the mix and you'll see my eyes revolving like a Vegas slot machine.

This Grandma wanted to gab about her grandson, the terrible Tot, who amazingly had now lost interest in me and turned around, ceding his grandmother the field.

But I have a trick for dealing with Gabby Grammies.

They always ask me, eventually, where I'm from. I tell them the Polynesian.

They pause, then clarify: "no, I meant where are you from". I pause a bit longer and finally say: "you mean when I'm not at Disney, oh!". I smile, wait a moment, then tell them "up north". At this point most Gabby Grammies are saying to themselves "this guy's an idiot" and not worth the trouble.

And that, my friends, is what this Gabby Grammy soon decided. Double whammy!

Have a Magical Day!

The family soon settled their tab, adjusted their fanny packs, and left. The Grammy didn't spare me a glance, but the Tot favored me with a final stare as he toddled away, the sort of stare that likely would have resulted in wails of terror had I done what it occurred to me to do: suddenly spread my arms in the air and yell 'gabba-gabba-gabba!'.

I didn't, of course. Like I said, I'm a nice guy.

More Disney Dreadfuls

I let you folks off easy. In the hierarchy of Disney Dreadfuls, the Turned-Around Tot and the Gabby Grammy are light-weights.

Next time, the gloves are off as we meet ... the Bus Beast!

Don't stop there! More Features Await...