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Admit it. You do it a lot. You ask yourself: Why Did Disney DO That?!? Maybe you ask others, too. Maybe you gather in groups, gnaw on turkey legs, and ponder what Disney does. But any such gab sessions inevitably lead to confusion and perhaps frustration. Because none of us have the answers. Disney has the answers, but it's not telling. The Mouse justifies its actions either with "it's part of our business plan" or the even more nebulous "it's part of Walt's vision". You deserve better. In his column, Lee Beatens will uncover the truth. Or at least deliver some entertaining rants.

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FROM: Why Did Disney DO That?!? Published As Necessary


Safe. The four letter word. We all want to be safe, but safety can be elusive. Not so at LameLand, the safest theme park on earth! When you pass with our assistance through its rubber gates, you can rest easy knowing you've left danger behind.


RE: LameLand - The Safest Theme Park in the World
FROM: William A. Nul, C.E.O. Lame Enterprises

For decades, visitors to central Florida have been offered many roadside attractions and themed parks for their entertainment. These have run the gamut from aquatic shows to western towns, carnival rides to character-based amusements.

Although these attractions have featured a variety of entertaining distractions, we at Lame Enterprises feel that all too often, they share the same negative element. That being: a lack of safety.

So we, along with our partners, have in development a new kind of theme park. One that will offer all of the time-honored fun-based attractions of the past, but with today's focus on accessibility, usability, and above all, safety.

We hope you will enjoy the following introduction to LameLand: The Safest Theme Park in the World.

  • First, we believe that safety starts at home. So when you purchase a day pass (only day passes are available for LameLand, because too much fun can be hazardous to the digestive, pulmonary, and nervous systems) you will be sent a 'suggestion sheet' filled with sensible ideas on how to handle your visit. This sheet will include basic hygiene information (so as not to offend others while at the park), wardrobe suggestions, and a list of guidelines (such as posted walking speeds) designed to cover all aspects of a day in public.
  • Secondly, you will begin to feel the difference in safety upon arriving at our parking lots. A skilled driver will take the wheel of your automobile and chauffeur your family to the ideal parking space for the size of your vehicle. Doors will be opened for you, and you will each be led by the hand to our shuttle trams. Once helped aboard and secured with our patented 8-point harness system, you will be whisked away at 2 mph to the entrance of LameLand.
  • Thirdly, you should notice our next safety innovation immediately as you are lifted out of the shuttle tram and gently placed on the 'ground'. No, your feet aren't deceiving you, that isn't asphalt you're standing on. All public areas of LameLand are surfaced with a new revolutionary rubberized compound called Stubber. Stubber is a new chemical-infused polymer designed to absorb any pressure or impact upon contact. Tests have shown that a man can fall onto Stubber from 6 feet in the air and suffer no visible scrapes or bruises.
  • Our next safety innovations are found during our security checks prior to entering the park. Skilled doctors and nurses will be on hand to provide a complete strip-search service and cavity probe. For a small additional fee, LameLand offers a complete physical, with a full diagnostic readout that you can take home! This is accepted by most medical facilities and can be used for insurance purposes. Once your security physical is completed, your freshly laundered clothing will be returned to you, fully pressed and scented with lavender.

Now you're ready to have fun! But not too much fun.

Let's talk about the layout of LameLand. LameLand is one big circle, with no corners to bump into or corridors to get lost in. All inner structures are no higher than 4 feet tall so that parents can easily see over them to locate a straying child. Higher structures are ringed around the outside edge of the park perimeter.

None of our attractions are electrically powered nor have moving parts of any kind. Each attraction is based on the walk-thru design. Therefore, comfortable shoes are not only recommended, but also mandatory (see 'suggestion sheet' under 'wardrobe'). To whet your appetite for the kind of experiences you can expect, we will now describe a few of our premiere attractions.

The Double-Bubble Misty-Twisty
This is a two-lane walk-thru. The left lane is the regular experience, while the right lane is a tamer experience. Those who choose the left lane will walk slowly down a winding path whilst park employees flick small amounts of refreshing water in their faces. Those who choose the right lane will also walk slowly down a winding path, but will not have water flicked in their faces. This will make for a less intense sensation. During the holiday season, bubbles will be blown and will be allowed to fall on guests in both lanes. Safety glasses will be issued for use during this festive version.

Couch Carousel
This is a sit-down attraction where we have arranged eight couches around a center end table, like the spokes of a wheel. On the center end table is a small boom box out of which will waft soothing strains of elevator music. Each couch can seat 3 park guests, making the overall capacity of this crowd favorite a whopping 24. A highly trained team of park employees will begin to circle the couches in a counter-clockwise direction when the music starts, forming the rim of the wheel, as it were. This will give the illusion that the couches are moving in a clockwise direction. Those who are prone to motion sickness can simply close their eyes until the unpleasant sensation ceases.

Character Meet-and-Greets
We do have two mascots that will be seen in the park during normal operating hours. But for your protection from inappropriate groping or oxygen deprivation during a big hug, we have various backdrops set up around the park. Simply pose for your picture, leaving enough space between or beside your family members, and we will Photoshop our mascots in later. For a small fee.

Our next safety feature is more of a health innovation. It has to do with our restaurant. LameLand only has one, because we feel that obesity is destroying American culture. In line with this, our restaurant offers only healthy food selections. The drink of choice, in fact the only choice, is luke-warm water. This can be served with a garden salad, pre-chewed by our patented rabbits, or with a traditional hamburger/french fries meal, pre-chewed by our park employees, who brush and gargle after every dish is prepared. We feel confident that this will greatly reduce the risk of choking on the part of our guests.

One of the last safety features of LameLand is the mandatory one-hour naptime for all guests just prior to park closing. This will leave each driver fully rested for the commute home, and each family member free of crankiness after their long day of fun. Once awake, exit physicals will be available for those who feel that they have overtaxed themselves.

Your day at LameLand will end as you are once again strapped into our parking trams and delivered to your vehicles. Each car will be released in 5-minute intervals to avoid highway congestion, which should greatly reduce harmful incidents of road rage.

Lame Enterprises feels certain that you will agree that LameLand is the safest theme park in the world! It will take only one visit to convince you that no other roadside attraction even comes close to providing the security, comfort, and predictability that you expect from your entertainment.

Opening October 1st, 2011. Likely closing October 2nd, 2011.


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