FROM: Wandering the World with Wally Published Mondays

The Haunted Mansion

Wally wanders to the new interactive queue at the Haunted Mansion and gets the shock of his life, for there on one of the tombstones is the visage of dear, departed cousin Bertie, an avid hunter and rather a dead ringer for Wally himself.

- by Walter Octavius March, March 21, 2011

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KUNGALOOSH!

My friends, I am troubled.

A friend of mine called from the Magic Kingdom earlier today to ask about my health. When I informed him that I was fine, he told me of a frightful sight he had just witnessed: my tombstone outside the Haunted Mansion.

Worried that the folks at Disney think I have departed, I set out immediately for the Magic Kingdom to dispel the rumors of my demise.

Wally Investigates His Own Demise

There are few people on the ferry from the Ticket and Transportation Center. The skies are overcast and it is threatening rain, but I must press on. Once in the Magic Kingdom, I walk toward Liberty Square and the new queue in front of the Haunted Mansion. This is where my friend Percival claims he saw my tombstone, and this is where I must now undertake my own macabre search.

I love making my way down Main Street, U.S.A. first thing in the morning on a normal day, with all the Cast Members standing on the sidewalk to wave and greet guests as they enter the Park. "Hello, Hello!" Even though my mood is dark, I should be pleasant to these wonderful people who make our visits so magical.

The Castle is always impressive, even on a cloudy day like today, but I have no time to admire it: I must hurry through en route to Master Gracey's Mansion. I know we're in a rush, but look at the beautiful mosaics inside Cinderella Castle! They tell the story of Cinderella. The mosaics are hand-made, exquisite pieces of art. Here on the left we're passing the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, and to the right is the old Skyway Pavilion.

But now we're through the archway and have quickly reached Liberty Square.

The Haunted Mansion is off to the right. By thunder, what a fine job they've done with the new queue! Let's see, according to Percival, we walk straight through here, and the interactive graveyard should be near. Many folks today rush past, but we're not here to rush, we're here to investigate, and there!, there it is!

My tombstone. I see now why Percival phoned. The chap on the stone does resemble me, at first glance, but upon closer inspection the eyes are set farther apart than mine. He does bear a striking familial resemblance, though. I wonder...

Let's draw closer. Ah, yes, it is! My third cousin Bertram. A good man, that Bertie, as his epitaph attests:

"Avid Hunter and Master shot
in the End that's what he Got."

Bye Bye, Bertie, Bye Bye

Bertram was a cousin on my mother's side, a good chap, though reckless. Often I'd help him out of a jam. The epitaph on his stone reminds me of an adventure we both had, an adventure that inspired the photo above of me trapped in the coils of a snake.

We were on safari in Kenya when Bertie came across a snake partially covered by a basket. Thinking he had found a Sand Boa, he reached under the basket to grasp the snake by its tail and drag it out. What happened next was quite startling...

The 'boa' was actually a 15 foot python, the tip of its tail under the basket and the rest of its bulk coiled about an adjacent tree. Now, of course, the python had coiled 'round Bertie, who called loudly for my help. I rushed to his side, threw a towel over his head to prevent the snake from biting his face, and then started uncoiling the python from Bertie.

The ensuing struggle was epic! The snake clung to my cousin. Finally, after four hours of desperate wrestling, with a few breaks to enable me to snap a few Polaroids, I finally freed Bertie and together we were able to capture the snake and turn it over to the Kenyan authorities for release in a wildlife preserve on the other side of Nairobi.

Since that day, we had called my cousin Bertie Boa. He hated the name and always complained that anyone could have made the same mistake as he had made by attempting to catch a python by the tail. Ho-Ho, what a fella!

Despite his often far-fetched stories, Bertie was quite the clumsy adventurer. I am sorry, though, we've lost him.

At least I've solved the mystery of why the face on the tombstone resembles mine. I must inform my fellow Adventurers that it isn't me entombed at the Haunted Mansion.

I suppose the other people in the ground near Bertie are relatives from his side of the family, though I don't recall meeting any of them.

Wally Wanders in the Graveyard

Now that we've solved the mystery and our gloom has lifted (sorry, Bertie), why don't we explore a bit more around the Mansion?

In this small area near us, there are new gravestones for Grandpa, Marc, and Francis Xavier, and over there it looks as if the Grinning Ghosts are allowing people to play some music on their memorial. They've even brought the old Ravenscroft Organ from the Ballroom for people to play as they wait their turn to enter the Mansion itself.

There is quite a surprise for those who play it ... beware!

As we get closer to the Mansion, past the old graveyard on the hill we see Master Gracey's tomb, and it appears they've added a new crypt behind it for Captain Culpeper Clyne who, rest his soul, drowned in his own bath. Poor Fellow!

There are more new crypts in front of the mansion and other interactive areas for brave souls to explore. But I think it's time to move along and head into the Mansion. Perhaps poor Bertie's ghost awaits us inside?

We're led into the parlor, a circular room, where we hear a voice, our Ghost Host, informing us that there are no windows and no doors, and that the room actually is stretching. But I'm not worried. With cunning and wisdom, both of which I have in copious supply, we will figure our way free...

Ah, see! The back wall has just opened for us to enter a gloomy hall. The conveyor belt walkway speeds us to our Doom Buggies and the start of our Mansion tour.

A Tale of Dahlia

I will not share what I saw or didn't see in the Mansion, but it was an exciting, paranormal adventure. You really must head there yourself to meet the many wraiths and revenants who will try to scare you into becoming the 1000th resident of this Haunted Mansion.

The most persuasive of these haunts is Little Leona. Did I ever tell you about how I first met her cousin, Diminutive Dahlia?

No, well, let me tell you about her.

I was at the Adventurers Club when Dahlia sashayed into the room looking for someone to lead an expedition to the inner part of the Peruvian rain forest so that she might photograph some of the flora and fauna for a nature magazine. When I first met her, she...

Oh, you have to go, and so soon? Well, I shall just continue my story in your absence, as I'm sure the other guests - and perhaps a hitch-hiking ghost or two - would love to hear it.

Until next time, KUNGALOOSH! And keep your eyes open for Adventure!

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